I started on Sertraline/Zoloft exactly one year ago… ?Happy Anniversary Sane Mama!?
At the start of my journey I was intending to be on this medication for six months tops and on the lowest dosage possible. You can read more about the start of my journey here.
At the time I had family about to visit and my doctor was concerned my anxiety would get the best of me during their visit. Our hope was to get me on this medication fast enough to be able to endure their stay without “losing my mind”.
I started out on the lowest dosage of Zoloft at 25mg a day. One year later and I am now at 125mg a day… What caused this insane leap? Well it actually happened gradually. I suppose you could say that once my body got too used to the medication my symptoms would start coming back. Symptoms like random panic attacks, insomnia and irrational thought processes.
My final leap to 125mg happened after a sudden pregnancy and miscarriage. I don’t believe it was the shock of the miscarriage so much as the hormones of the pregnancy that got me into a depression.
I’m back to feeling more myself once again. I’m so happy to say that. This looks like me not spacing out periodically through out the day. I actually feel motivated to do things. I feel excited about each passing day.
I think a major aspect of why I chose medication for my depression is because I desire to be optimistic and excited about life, but I lack the tools to do so. So instead of being productive, as I am when my antidepressants are working, I am left at the conclusion of, “What’s the point?” As a mom that has a family to take care of and protect, that’s a very dangerous state of mind to be in.
Currently I am way past where I wanted to be concerning this medication. Initially I was hopeful I would be completely weaned off of Zoloft at the point of this season.
Right now as I lay here on my couch soaking in the sunshine coming through my window and taking in the screams of my playing children- I don’t care. I don’t care that I am still on medication. I don’t care that the dosage has increased. I don’t care about when I will be able to get off of this medication.
What I care about is that I can feel content and so happy about each moment within my day. I can look at my kids with excitement about their future. I can make decisions with the intent of being productive and enjoying my day.
How long is too long to be on antidepressants?… I’ve decided that question has no answer. There’s no shame in needing motivation to live.