The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. I gave you guys a beautiful behind the scenes of the creative side of our Maturing Mama Christmas issue. We had a phenomenal team behind such a beautiful product! (You can read that on the Readly app).
Now here’s an emotional behind the scenes of how it went.
I’ll start with how it ended actually. Two days ago we published our 6th printed issue of Maturing Mama. And then last night at my acting class I stood before my acting peers doing my scene and argued with my acting teacher. Something I never expected I would resort to. After ending the scene I performed in front of my peers, I sat down in my seat and burst into tears. I was mad.
I was mad that I suddenly wasn’t enjoying the one activity in my life that brings me pleasure. I was mad I felt so disappointed in myself for not getting the scene right. And I was mad this all happened in the midst of an already difficult week.
Here at Maturing Mama we value being authentic. So here’s the truth about the behind the scenes of that beautiful magazine we presented to you on the Readly app and on social media- there were a lot of frustrations and disappointments happening in my heart.
The core of it all was the desire to display the perfect product. I mean this magazine sits on the Readly app alongside magazines like Vogue, Cosmopolitan and Women’s Health. Not to mention small businesses pay us to display their products in the most beautiful manner. The pressure was on!
For this issue I also had an amazing creative team working with me on a photoshoot that took our magazine to a whole other level. This creative team trusted my vision and I didn’t want to let them down.
Every day that I worked hard on the magazine layout and with our small business clients and editorial and marketing teams- I went to bed feeling like I wasn’t doing enough. I had a long list of things I wished I could get done to make Maturing Mama the best, but felt incapable of getting done.
I went to bed still glancing at my phone to see what more I could do before closing my eyes. I woke up and looked at my phone right away to see what more I could do to move forward. I had moments of emotional break downs at home as I felt like I couldn’t get enough done. It was all just me feeling disappointed in myself.
When my family left me at home alone for the day I felt overwhelmed by decisions. “What do I do first?”, was the scary question that haunted my day. I know there are chores to be done but if I focus on that there is still work to be done and if I focus on that the chores will be left undone. And of course the overall stresser is bills and staff that need to be paid.
I typically spend one moment each day talking to God. A moment of opening up and being real about how I’m doing- thanking Him for His blessings and then asking Him for help. I suddenly started dreading that moment of the day because I didn’t want to be real about how I was feeling. I hated the way I felt. I hated feeling inadequate. I hated feeling like I wasn’t good enough for the roles I had before me. I felt like a failure as a mom, wife, CEO… and actress was the last straw.
Today I feel like I have nothing left to fight for. I’ve finally lost the one last thing I could prove myself at. The one thing that brought me joy is now frustrating me as much as the other things in my life. But then I wonder if it’s all connected?
Truly what it comes down to is a feeling of inadequacy. I’m not good enough to run my business perfectly. But… Isn’t that ok?
I was on the phone with Shamin Brown our Maturing Mama life coach and counselor. I opened up to her about how I felt about everything in my life. She said something like this in response, “But right now in this moment, what if God doesn’t want you doing every single aspect of your job and home life that would make it perfect. What if He just wants you to do the bits you’re capable of doing?”
The truth is, I haven’t been focusing on the parts of my life I’m capable of doing. I’ve been focusing on the parts I’m not capable of doing and wishing I could do them and then feeling disappointed in myself that I haven’t been able to do them. I’ve then not been praising the parts of my world that I’ve succeeded at.
I’m blessed to have emails and messages from you beautiful Mamas letting me know what a success Maturing Mama is. I need to work on believing that it is. I need to work on believing that I am a success at being a mom and a wife as well.
Would you believe that in the midst of all this excitement of putting out our beautiful Christmas issue, I got a stomach bug? And I truly believe it was self induced. I made my self sick from the stress I carried every day. I was blessed from that stomach bug because it forced me to slow down and prioritize rest. I wish it didn’t have to come to that though.
All in all, I believe that if I took moments these last two weeks to just get excited about everything around me, took moments of rest and rewarded myself for a job well done- I wouldn’t have had that emotional break down in my acting class.
The stress in our lives can take away from the things that bring us joy Mamas. What is it in your life right now that is making it hard to enjoy the good things in your life?