Questions I’m Not Ready For
Not many mothers plan on being a single mom. Well, I know that wasn’t my plan, but as soon as I found out I was expecting I knew I would do this with or without his dad.
I recently came across a quote on social media, it said: “single mother by choice”. I immediately felt conflicted, because at first it didn’t make sense to me. My first thought was, “Who chooses to be a single mother?” But then I took a second to think about it and realized they meant; we chose to be a mother even though there was a possibility we would be doing it alone.
No, I didn’t choose to be a single mother, but I did choose my son and it’s the best decision I could have ever made. Being a single mother is the hardest thing I ever had to do but it also has been the most rewarding job I will ever have.
What I am struggling with is, preparing for questions my son may ask.
Here are the questions I’m not ready for:
Where is my dad?
Why didn’t he love me enough to stay?
Why doesn’t he come see me?
Why does he see my siblings and not me?
Why did you choose him to be my dad?
Did I do something to make him leave?
Am I not good enough?
Can you contact him for me?
How do you answer questions when you don’t have the answer to them?
Some people say I have nothing to worry about. That he will never ask these questions. As a little boy, I feel like he will wonder where he came from. I mostly fear the last question. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem reaching out, because I will do anything for my son. My fear is if his response is still no that he doesn’t want to see my son. That’s a lot of rejection for a little boy. As a mother I want to take all his pain away. If it was up to me, I’d make sure he never felt pain, or rejection.
My other fear is that he will internalize his feelings and think everything is his fault. I can tell him that it’s not, but how many of us have thought something was our fault and no matter how many people tell us it’s not, we still believe it is?
Then again this could all be my “mom guilt” kicking in. There are so many different reasons we as moms have guilt. If I’m going to be transparent, my mom guilt stems from wanting a two-parent household and not being able to provide that for him.
Whether I think I’m ready to answer these questions or not, at the end of the day when or if my son asks these questions, I will do my best to answer them. That’s what being a mother, or parent means; whether we are ready or not, we find the strength within to say or do what’s best for our children.
Being a mother has made me strong but being a single mother has made me stronger. I am so glad; motherhood is the journey I’m on.