The moment I finished university I asked my husband if we could finally try to conceive. He insisted I wait until August 2019, but as soon as I could, I got my IUD removed. The doctor told me that we could get pregnant right away and I couldn’t wait.
Both of my boys were immediately conceived with their biological father. My oldest was by accident on the first night I was with his biological dad. But my youngest was conceived the moment we tried for another baby.
This time is much different. I have been using an app on my phone to track everything. I track my periods; how heavy they are, how long they last, and sometimes the colour. I even track my LH levels, which are supposed to help determine when my ovulation is. On top of this, I add in when we have sex, (which may not be often enough).
There was one month where I completely missed a period and thought we could finally be pregnant. It was awful waiting for the day that I should be able to get a positive test. It was a week past my expected period when I went to the doctor’s. I got both a urine and blood pregnancy test; they both came back negative. The day after, I had a super heavy period and I knew that we had failed yet again.
Since that happened, I haven’t been as fired up about trying to conceive. It’s like a part of me is broken. I feel cold and hollow when I think about trying. I still log when we have sex in my app, but it takes a lot to get into the mood for it now. I’ve stopped trying to track my LH levels too. It’s like I’ve subconsciously given up on having another baby. I’ve wanted it for years, but maybe it just isn’t meant to happen.
Talking about these feelings of despair and sadness is hard. I want to remain hopeful and happy. I don’t want to slump into depression again. I feel like it is my fault and that I am not doing something right. Maybe I’m missing something in my logging or I’m just not dedicated enough.
If you are in the same boat as me, you are not alone. Many women go through these feelings. Unfortunately, our husbands may not understand. Especially in my situation where my husband was not there for my first pregnancies. My husband does not have any biological kids of his own, so he doesn’t understand the joy that a pregnancy brings with it.
Ever since I started university I have had a daily mantra. This mantra has helped me through many tough times. It’s helped me when I felt overwhelmed with school, when I’ve felt anxious in daily tasks, when I’m dealing with financial strains, and basically every little thing that throws a wrench into my plans. I want to share this mantra with you as you struggle through your daily lives:
Just Keep Swimming.