- I didn’t ask for this to happen and I didn’t want it to.
- My husband and I trusted him and he completely betrayed us.
- I was exhausted from a long day of school and work making me weak.
Valentine’s Day, 2018, will be an evening I will remember forever. At the time I was working evenings on the far side of town and the buses were very sporadic.
A close mutual friend of mine and my husband was having a hard time dealing with being single on the day of love- so I asked him to pick me up from work and we will go for coffee to talk.
(Now, before anyone goes blaming me for going out with another guy while married, I had texted my husband first to see if he was ok with me going out with this friend.)
He picked me up when I got off work that day and we went for a drive. I was pointing out coffee shops along the way offering we go for coffee there- but he was adamant that he didn’t want to spend money.
Instead, he took me all the way to his place (he was excited to show me the new place he moved into), winding through streets I wasn’t familiar with. Instead of coffee, he only had pop or water, and gave me a tour of his place.
I was on edge and anxious. I was tired and wanted to go to bed but I did tell him we could talk. Before getting married, I would go to his old place, hangout, play video games and talk about comics. So then why should this be any different?
He took me to his room and started showing me his freshly graded comics that we usually would discuss, only this time was different. This time he forced himself on me and decided to sexually assault me.
I was in shock when he dropped me off at home. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I felt dirty. I felt like I had dishonoured the sanctity of my marriage. I can’t remember everything from that night, (good ole’ brain blocking out trauma), but for some reason I remember not calling out for help. Why didn’t I do that? Why didn’t I try to run?
A marriage only works when there is communication. I personally can’t hide anything from my husband. Walking through the door after the incident, I was shell shocked and my husband noticed.
My greatest fear in telling my husband what happened was that he would get pissed off and call me a cheating whore, even though it is not in his nature, and leave me and the kids because of this.
But I was also desperate for him to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
To my surprise he blamed himself for it happening. He gave me permission to go out for coffee after work with the guy. My husband used to joke around and call this guy ‘my boyfriend’ because he would call and we would be on the phone for almost an hour talking about life, comics, and video games.
My husband reassured me every time I had feelings surface of everything being my fault and told me that it was the guys fault and he is the one who had the intention for this to happen. I was glued to my husband’s side for 2 weeks after it happened. I didn’t feel safe without him in my sight.
If this is your situation; you’ve been sexually assaulted and live in fear to tell your husband- you do not have to suffer alone, your spouse is your greatest support. Keeping things to yourself stops you from getting the support you need from the one you love.
I am so lucky that my husband stood by me during this time. Not many men would. I still feel like I cheated on my husband, even though it was not by choice. Processing the whole ordeal was not easy and it did affect our sex life for a month.
The first couple of times we tried to be intimate I had full blown panic attacks. I hyperventilated and bawled my eyes out. All my husband had to do was hold me close and reassure me that everything was alright.
We ended up not being intimate for a while and it was I who initiated it when I was ready. Years have gone by and our marriage is stronger than ever. There is hope after an assault.