Disappointed in… Myself

Sitting here at this very moment, I am holding back tears. It’s clearly been a long week.

I’m just so… Disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself. I thought perhaps I was disappointed in the situation I’m in. Or our circumstances. Maybe it’s the kids or my husband… No, it’s me.

There’s this constant feeling of not having done enough. No matter what I get done, there will always be a list of things to still get done.

Currently it’s:

  • Wipe the dust off every window sill (I swear it’s getting everyone sick).
  • Communicate with the M.M. Merchandise shop printer.
  • Communicate with clients. (My fingers can’t seem to move fast enough to email everyone).
  • Find time to get to the doctor and discuss the possibility of having asthma.
  • Find my chapstick, (the kids likely stole it again).
  • Clean the kitchen (it’s never clean!)
  • Take a shower… No idea when I last did.
  • Order groceries
  • Find the baby a winter jacket

I can literally go on. Is this all life is about for us moms? That never ending list. Constantly feeling like we haven’t done enough.

A close friend of mine mentioned to me that the Jonas brother are playing tonight in my city. I’m not an insane fan of theirs. But I am a millennial, so I can get into the music when given the opportunity.

Anyway, this friend just kept bugging me about why I wouldn’t just go. Just go! Be spontaneous! Let loose! And my response was, I want to and yet I don’t want to. All because of that never ending list.

If I spend money on something spontaneous that only benefits me, then what about the kids? What about my husband? They all need so much! Not to mention, they ought to have some fun too.

But deep down, I’m really making up excuses so I don’t have to deal with the guilt of not getting enough done and then feeling like a failure.

To be honest, when I look at any and all problems within our family… I blame me. Because I know there’s a single task on that list that I could have done but didn’t and it would have prevented this problem.

In reality, I truly have to accept that I will never be good enough. I will never get it all done. Now excuse me as I take some anxiety medication.

This sucks! And yet, it’s everyone’s reality. I was just spending time praying. I asked God, what is it that I’m missing? There must be something. That one thing that I haven’t done right that will change everything if I can fix it.

The words that popped into my head were, “You’re overthinking it all!”.

In my mind it’s like I’m searching. With each task I complete on my list, I finish and wait for that feeling of accomplishment. That feeling that I won. I won the game of Life!… But that feeling doesn’t come.

Contentment. That’s what I need. I need that desperately. I need to stop believing that life is a formula and take it one day at a time. I need to stop believing that the world will end if I don’t keep working on my list of tasks.

Jesus… Help! I honestly feel so hopeless. Yet, I need to just breathe and enjoy today. Celebrate the small wins and just breathe.

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