I say I serve Jesus Christ. But truly, I serve Guilt.
This is the master that I draw near to when I have made mistakes. When I need forgiveness, I run to him for punishment.
This is what I believe is just. This is what I believe will bring a good outcome. Submit to Guilt and he will provide freedom with his words:
“You’ve served your sentence. You’ve done your time. Now go in peace”
Yet I am unsure of when he will sentence me once again. I am on pins and needles waiting to make a mistake to be caught in his grip.
I then walk in fear and question every move I make. Is Guilt around the corner waiting to punish me.
His punishment is far more than I can bare. He pounds on my chest and grabs at my throat. I embrace the punishment. For hours (sometimes days depending on his judgement) I am within the thick of panic attacks.
Whatever the decision I made that was not good enough for him, I must learn my lesson and pay.
Why do I subject myself to him and credit him as my savior? Credit him as Jesus himself?
I no longer want to be under his rule. I want the true freedom of Jesus Christ. I want freedom to make mistakes and be forgiven. I want the freedom to receive love and affirmation, even in moments when I don’t deserve it.