I’m sorry I’m not perfect. Perfectionism seems to be the root cause of the desire of suicide for me.
The moment I feel like I’ve let anyone down I’m suddenly ready to throw in the towel. Once someone’s outlook on me has become flawed, then I sentence myself to not be on this Earth anymore.
The worst part about all this is… I will never ever meet everyone’s expectation of me… Never. There will always be someone disappointed.
My life is doomed. Now what? Is it possible to not care?
When I let someone down or leave someone disappointed in me, I feel like that person has lost love in their heart for me. Or I might even go as far as believing this person probably hates me now.
Can you imagine if your child felt this way? If the moment my daughter let me down and I showed her my disappointment, she felt that I hated her…
I’d never want my daughter to feel that! When I show my daughter I’m disappointed in her, I just want her to try again. Now that she knows she did something wrong or didn’t do something the way I expected it, I then trust that she can do better next time. And… I let it go.
It’s not worth the relationship we have.
But what about when the person I’ve disappointed is a friend? And that person is mad at me. And even though I’ve said sorry… I hear nothing back.
In this moment, I wish I could go back in time and fix my wrong. I wish I could change the way they experienced a friendship with me. But alas… I can’t.
Man I gotta learn to let myself off the hook! Forgive myself!… Ohhhhh! That’s what I have to do at times like these. Forgive myself. Allow myself the grace to make mistakes even when others don’t.
Chanelle… I forgive you for making yourself look bad. It’s ok, I get you! I understand where you’re coming from. I can tell you feel horrible. I believe in you that you can try to do better next time. Hey, it’s ok. The past is in the past. Let’s just move on. What’s that? You still feel sad? Alright let’s go watch reruns of The Nanny and hide under a blanket. That always helps 😉