I have a bad habit of being… Chipper. I would say it’s a bad habit of being happy, but it’s not true happiness.
It’s basically me overcompensating for the sadness I feel, by being over the top, “look on the bright side!”
Today was a hard day. It was one of those days that consisted of me getting hurt emotionally. After being hurt, my mind did this thing it tends to do… It basically starts talking and doesn’t shut up.
It’s like, my mind is trying to make sense of why I’ve been hurt. So it’s retelling the entire issue and discussing ideas of what was going on behind the scenes, from each individual perspective of those involved… It literally is going at the pace of a chipmunk after three espresso shots.
I was meant to go out tonight with friends. These are the type of friends I could open up with about what was going on and they would even encourage me to open up. But I’m not that type of person that would show I’m hurt, in the moment that I am hurt.
You see, when my mind is racing through negative thoughts and I’m in front of people, then my outward self tries to counter it. So I am literally an over the top, ball of positive energy. And it’s all just to cover up the dark pit of despair going on inside of me.
An hour or two before I was meant to leave the house I called one of the girls I would be meeting with, to let her know I was considering not coming. My goal in saying this, was to get her to insist I come any way, so I could then secretly run from my feelings.
You see deep down I knew what was best for me tonight, was for me to take a moment to get alone in my room and feel… Just feel. Feel sad. Feel angry. Feel hurt. Just go through the motions so I can come out on the other side.
What good friends I have! They all agreed it was a good idea, after I let them know how I was doing, through a group text.
Not to mention how helpful my sitter was, to stop me from leaving the house as planned. She still came over to watch the kids so I could be alone. But I literally snuck upstairs and got dressed about to leave when she stopped me.
Now here I am. Ready to feel…