Probably the hardest part of this journey through postpartum depression is dealing with panic attacks. Night time is the hardest time for this. As my mind goes blank and attempts to drift into sleep, scenarios play out in my head of difficult situations I’m currently dealing with in my life.
Even worse is if I haven’t had enough sleep that night, these showreels follow me through out my day. I go through states of zoning out as these episodes cloud my vision.
You might ask what the plot of these scenarios commonly are. Well they change depending on the season. But they always include people in my life that have hurt me and our situations have been left unresolved.
The thing about unresolved issues is that neither party will truly understand the other’s point of view. There was no conflict resolution. No one had an “Aha!” moment nor an “I’m sorry, I had no idea”.
This can throw me into a pit of despair as I am left with questions of, “what did I do wrong?” and, “is there something wrong with me?”. Honestly if I continue on from one question to the next I end up digging myself into a pit of despair. Then comes that final question of, “is there any point to me being on this earth right now?”
It’s in that moment I can hear God’s voice echoing, “ENOUGH! You are worth more than this!”
How is it possible I have come to the point of allowing someone who is not in my life anymore to steal my joy? God has taken them out of my life for a reason. This is not the time to hold on to hurt and confusion. The outcome then becomes painful conclusions based on my hurt. Conclusions that are false!
This is the moment forgiveness truly becomes an important factor. It’s a moment to look at the facts and accept it. I was misunderstood. I was hurt. I don’t know why. I don’t understand what the behind the scenes of the situation was.
But God knows and from his point of view it’s not important enough to hold onto. That’s why he commands us to forgive. It’s his way of saying, “Hey, you thought that situation was a big deal. You thought it was make or break in your life. But I know all and I saw the behind the scenes. Based on that I am saying to you, it is not worth holding onto. So let it go”.
And now there it is. His peace.