State Of Insomnia

I can’t do it… I can’t go back. I just got out! I know now that I’m awake and that it wasn’t real. I know now that I’m awake and that everything is going to be ok.

Because once I close my eyes, my worst fears become my reality. Ideas instilled in my heart turn into stories that become night mares. As I dream, I don’t know that it’s not real. I feel like a foreigner in my own dreams. I am unsure of what will happen next. I don’t feel relaxed and at peace.

You might close your eyes and in a matter of seconds, similar to a quick blink- you’re awake. I envy you. Every night I get lost in a dream. There is not one night of a peaceful state in simple darkness.

I believe this is because as a child my dreams were my escape from my unpredictable and often scary reality. I dreamed adventurous stories with perfect scenarios and outcomes. I often awoke feeling disappointed that I could not remain in my dreams.

Now however, my dreams are often fueled by my anxiety and depression. At night as my eyes close and I relax into my husband’s arms, my heart rate quickens, my mind begins to race from one terrifying idea to the next.

I beg myself to relax and fall asleep. I talk myself into believing that I can control this. I battle with the idea that I am sinking into death. The words race through my head on repeat, “What if I’m dying?! What if I’m dying?!”

Then I slip into my alternate reality. I live out a lifetime in another world until I am awaken by the sound of my children. I breathe a sigh of relief. I did it. I slept. I made it through another night.

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