My heart is aching with all the sadness I’ve seen on social media lately. Babies fighting for their lives. Mothers who have lost their children. Children who have survived longer than doctors have expected and continue to fight for their lives…
In this season of sorrow I feel terrified to go to God in fear that I must fight in my own strength to have faith and be positive. It’s like I’m going into labour all over again. Feeling the pain and exhaustion of contractions, but it’s my heart that’s contracting in pain, not my womb.
I want to cry out to God with every breath that I take. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to sleep, I just want to keep praying.
A portion of this sadness can be attributed to the fact that I lowered the dosage of my antidepressant medication. I believed I was finally getting back to normal as that feeling of hopelessness had disappeared. However, as the doctor suspected, my body had actually just gotten used to the medication and this caused the feeling of being cured.
My brain believes I am alone and my creator would be disappointed in knowing I am fearful of the future. I am saddened by this world He created that we messed up. I am not hopeful, joyful or content with this world. I am instead hurt and frightened.
As I gained the strength to pray, I could only muster two words, “Jesus help”. And in response came two words, “Jesus wept”.
Then it hit me… Jesus knew exactly what I was feeling. He was no stranger to the feeling of being hurt by this world. He even felt abandoned by God while on the cross. He gets it!
And it’s actually not for me to only go to God when I feel like I’m my best self. But rather when I am my worst self and am in need of his strength to go on.